Degradation and Obsession
Jul. 12th, 2020 08:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasidehermitSo I think I got a surprise bit of help on my question of how to fix things with the gods, one of those fun bits of synchronicity. I read JMG's latest blog post, even though I am nowhere near caught up on the book club and thus usually leave those posts alone, and I saw in there a discussion of degradation and spirit obsession.
I think that's what happened to me, I think that's what has had me trapped in one place for such a long time. The thing I need to let go of.
I think I've been inching up to something like this, a little at a time, but not knowing enough to put the image in the right order. When I first started trying to unravel this mess, I didn't even want to bring up that group, I didn't want to play the everything bad that happens to me is someone else's fault, I have no responsibility for my failures I am always somebody's victim card that they did so well. But it was hard to ignore, no matter how I thought about it, the problems I was having can be always be traced right back to their doorstep, that is where it began. Furthermore, the longer I looked at the ruins they had left behind, the more it seemed I was not the only victim, even if I may have been one of the few that recognized the problem because I didn't embrace the delusion.
I mention one case where I think parasitic entities might have been involved. It was kind of an extreme case, of all of them she went the most insane (then again she wasn't very stable to begin with, as I found out the hard way), and for a short while there she was in my house, so this was something I had a front row seat for. By this point, she'd left named deities behind and was involved with some spirits let's say that she'd come in contact with; other people claimed to have extensive contact with these entities, but most of them were very close to her and parroted everything she said. I can only say I felt something brush against me a couple of times, enough that I do think she wasn't (just) playing around, that something was there but it wasn't what she said it was, her whole practice was very different from the way she portrayed it online - far grubbier, and comical. Aside from this one case, I've never been sure; I started doubting that people were really dealing with gods (or not after a certain point); I knew I lost contact after a certain point, but was there anything more to it than an image that continued to exist in my mind? I wasn't sure, I really didn't know enough.
This, this makes sense.
There was a degradation, a shift down to a lower plane. That one is pretty easy, things stopped being about the gods and started being very self indulgent instead. The gods didn't hang around for it, but maybe something else did.
I know there is a strong thread of self indulgence in NeoPaganism, self help masquerading as religion, everything is all about you; I've not read Starhawk and nor shall I ever, but other people often bring her up as a good example of this. This isn't what I mean, what happened there was far more insidious than that, more buried beneath the surface, the unholy marriage of spiritual practice and personal issues. On the surface these were seemingly serious people that wanted to be spiritual specialists; but I think it started having less to do with the gods and more about how it made people feel. They wanted to be Chosen, they wanted to be special and powerful and to have people look to them for guidance, because to be frank, these were not winners. Some were people who have multiple serious, genuine problems, they'd been dealt a shitty hand and struggled with it; religion can give purpose and meaning to that. Or they were bored, lonely, had never been given status they felt entitled to. Or you had people that just didn't want to take responsibility for their lives and so had patron gods that made all their decisions for them - and if those decisions just made the story of your life an endless string of dumpster fires, well that's just the hardship all of us have to put up with.
People's various problems and insecurities were front and center, increasingly it was what they spent most of their time talking about. One of these days I'll have to talk about what all of that did to my mental health, and the sudden improvement that occurred as soon as I walked away from them. I also think about that encounter with the NeoPagan I mentioned in the last post, the way our conversation came down on all my insecurities in a way that left me feeling miserable for days; I don't think it was deliberate, but I wonder if there isn't a line to be drawn there nonetheless. Like that is what NeoPaganism is, the kind I was involved in, the kind the priest represents - something that feeds on insecurities.
I know what insecurities of mine got me hooked into this obsession: that particular mystical path, or the warped fun house mirror version of it I encountered. Easy to see in hindsight, even if I didn't get it for a while. But I don't always pick up on these things right away, and it's easier for me to believe the problem lies with me. The obsession never managed to swallow me whole, I never embraced the comforting delusion it offered; I always knew it was false, I always knew something was wrong, and frankly, I'm not interested in playing house with the gods, having an invisible friend that just hangs out with me and tells me I'm great. So I didn't go nuts. But it did manage to play on those insecurities to keep me locked in place, distant from it but still captive by it.
And I think that's the thing that keeps cropping back up and getting in my way just when I start finding my feet again. It blocks my path forward, it fills my mind with that old doubt. One part are you sure you want to walk away from this? Maybe it can be fixed if you just keep trying. Maybe it never will at all if you turn your back; one part is that the way things with gods are supposed to work? Are you sure you're not doing something wrong? Maybe kidding yourself? Maybe it won't work, like the other thing never worked. Maybe it's you, maybe you're just not welcome here, or anywhere.
There is still some very small part of me that mourns that lost path, even though I've long since stopped believing in it. And there is a much larger part of me that has become skeptical, worried about making the same mistake twice.
It's not as bad as it might have been. JMG talked about creativity as a way to balance things out, shake obsessions loose; after I gave up making anything work, when I was beginning to pull away from the group (but hadn't left quite yet) I threw myself into a huge writing project, so I may have been unknowingly medicating the problem. But I gave up on that a couple years ago, after a few disappointments, started to think it was a waste of time. I haven't been writing anything at all in a while.
Maybe it had some effect, and that's why I can start, why I can see the beginning of a new path, something far more solid than the old one ever was. But maybe the process was left incomplete and that's why that old pattern, whatever is left of it, can still come forward and block the way ahead, cloud everything over so it doesn't look right?
Then again, most of my writing projects were left incomplete, too.
I'm going to test that out, I'm going to take one of those old projects, something shorter and fairly simple, start work on it again. While restarting the daily banishing and meditation.
It may also help just knowing, being able to put a name to it, knowing this process is something well known. I can put to rest any idea that offer it makes is a legitimate one, that it could end anywhere other than the defeat or madness I saw take over everyone else. The doubt is a more potent threat at this point, and it was part of what snared me in the beginning as well; I started doubting my ability to know what was right and started relying more on the people that put themselves forward as experts. If I can separate out the doubt the pattern uses against me from what arises naturally within me after the experiences I've had, I could learn not to listen to it. It might not even be that hard to do, its doubts are very particular things tied into those old insecurities. Knowing what it is, knowing that it is only trying to obstruct me, could be enough to dismiss it, once and for all.
My own doubts are something else, and may be taken care of in time. There is a world of difference between what I'm trying to do now, and what I was doing then. The belief structure is different, the expectations are different, the experts I've found are closer to being actual experts and they're not surrounded by endless drama and constant misfortune. As I said, it feels more solid, whereas the old path was more ephemeral. I can see a solid course of growth, rather than very vague ideas. Maybe all that will make it easier to just go ahead with it long enough to let it prove me wrong.
I like the image of the path I can see in those unclouded moments. I want to be able to follow it, see where it goes. Just as soon as this old demon is slain for good.
I think that's what happened to me, I think that's what has had me trapped in one place for such a long time. The thing I need to let go of.
I think I've been inching up to something like this, a little at a time, but not knowing enough to put the image in the right order. When I first started trying to unravel this mess, I didn't even want to bring up that group, I didn't want to play the everything bad that happens to me is someone else's fault, I have no responsibility for my failures I am always somebody's victim card that they did so well. But it was hard to ignore, no matter how I thought about it, the problems I was having can be always be traced right back to their doorstep, that is where it began. Furthermore, the longer I looked at the ruins they had left behind, the more it seemed I was not the only victim, even if I may have been one of the few that recognized the problem because I didn't embrace the delusion.
I mention one case where I think parasitic entities might have been involved. It was kind of an extreme case, of all of them she went the most insane (then again she wasn't very stable to begin with, as I found out the hard way), and for a short while there she was in my house, so this was something I had a front row seat for. By this point, she'd left named deities behind and was involved with some spirits let's say that she'd come in contact with; other people claimed to have extensive contact with these entities, but most of them were very close to her and parroted everything she said. I can only say I felt something brush against me a couple of times, enough that I do think she wasn't (just) playing around, that something was there but it wasn't what she said it was, her whole practice was very different from the way she portrayed it online - far grubbier, and comical. Aside from this one case, I've never been sure; I started doubting that people were really dealing with gods (or not after a certain point); I knew I lost contact after a certain point, but was there anything more to it than an image that continued to exist in my mind? I wasn't sure, I really didn't know enough.
This, this makes sense.
There was a degradation, a shift down to a lower plane. That one is pretty easy, things stopped being about the gods and started being very self indulgent instead. The gods didn't hang around for it, but maybe something else did.
I know there is a strong thread of self indulgence in NeoPaganism, self help masquerading as religion, everything is all about you; I've not read Starhawk and nor shall I ever, but other people often bring her up as a good example of this. This isn't what I mean, what happened there was far more insidious than that, more buried beneath the surface, the unholy marriage of spiritual practice and personal issues. On the surface these were seemingly serious people that wanted to be spiritual specialists; but I think it started having less to do with the gods and more about how it made people feel. They wanted to be Chosen, they wanted to be special and powerful and to have people look to them for guidance, because to be frank, these were not winners. Some were people who have multiple serious, genuine problems, they'd been dealt a shitty hand and struggled with it; religion can give purpose and meaning to that. Or they were bored, lonely, had never been given status they felt entitled to. Or you had people that just didn't want to take responsibility for their lives and so had patron gods that made all their decisions for them - and if those decisions just made the story of your life an endless string of dumpster fires, well that's just the hardship all of us have to put up with.
People's various problems and insecurities were front and center, increasingly it was what they spent most of their time talking about. One of these days I'll have to talk about what all of that did to my mental health, and the sudden improvement that occurred as soon as I walked away from them. I also think about that encounter with the NeoPagan I mentioned in the last post, the way our conversation came down on all my insecurities in a way that left me feeling miserable for days; I don't think it was deliberate, but I wonder if there isn't a line to be drawn there nonetheless. Like that is what NeoPaganism is, the kind I was involved in, the kind the priest represents - something that feeds on insecurities.
I know what insecurities of mine got me hooked into this obsession: that particular mystical path, or the warped fun house mirror version of it I encountered. Easy to see in hindsight, even if I didn't get it for a while. But I don't always pick up on these things right away, and it's easier for me to believe the problem lies with me. The obsession never managed to swallow me whole, I never embraced the comforting delusion it offered; I always knew it was false, I always knew something was wrong, and frankly, I'm not interested in playing house with the gods, having an invisible friend that just hangs out with me and tells me I'm great. So I didn't go nuts. But it did manage to play on those insecurities to keep me locked in place, distant from it but still captive by it.
And I think that's the thing that keeps cropping back up and getting in my way just when I start finding my feet again. It blocks my path forward, it fills my mind with that old doubt. One part are you sure you want to walk away from this? Maybe it can be fixed if you just keep trying. Maybe it never will at all if you turn your back; one part is that the way things with gods are supposed to work? Are you sure you're not doing something wrong? Maybe kidding yourself? Maybe it won't work, like the other thing never worked. Maybe it's you, maybe you're just not welcome here, or anywhere.
There is still some very small part of me that mourns that lost path, even though I've long since stopped believing in it. And there is a much larger part of me that has become skeptical, worried about making the same mistake twice.
It's not as bad as it might have been. JMG talked about creativity as a way to balance things out, shake obsessions loose; after I gave up making anything work, when I was beginning to pull away from the group (but hadn't left quite yet) I threw myself into a huge writing project, so I may have been unknowingly medicating the problem. But I gave up on that a couple years ago, after a few disappointments, started to think it was a waste of time. I haven't been writing anything at all in a while.
Maybe it had some effect, and that's why I can start, why I can see the beginning of a new path, something far more solid than the old one ever was. But maybe the process was left incomplete and that's why that old pattern, whatever is left of it, can still come forward and block the way ahead, cloud everything over so it doesn't look right?
Then again, most of my writing projects were left incomplete, too.
I'm going to test that out, I'm going to take one of those old projects, something shorter and fairly simple, start work on it again. While restarting the daily banishing and meditation.
It may also help just knowing, being able to put a name to it, knowing this process is something well known. I can put to rest any idea that offer it makes is a legitimate one, that it could end anywhere other than the defeat or madness I saw take over everyone else. The doubt is a more potent threat at this point, and it was part of what snared me in the beginning as well; I started doubting my ability to know what was right and started relying more on the people that put themselves forward as experts. If I can separate out the doubt the pattern uses against me from what arises naturally within me after the experiences I've had, I could learn not to listen to it. It might not even be that hard to do, its doubts are very particular things tied into those old insecurities. Knowing what it is, knowing that it is only trying to obstruct me, could be enough to dismiss it, once and for all.
My own doubts are something else, and may be taken care of in time. There is a world of difference between what I'm trying to do now, and what I was doing then. The belief structure is different, the expectations are different, the experts I've found are closer to being actual experts and they're not surrounded by endless drama and constant misfortune. As I said, it feels more solid, whereas the old path was more ephemeral. I can see a solid course of growth, rather than very vague ideas. Maybe all that will make it easier to just go ahead with it long enough to let it prove me wrong.
I like the image of the path I can see in those unclouded moments. I want to be able to follow it, see where it goes. Just as soon as this old demon is slain for good.
