![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Breaking the Cycle
Oct. 17th, 2020 11:51 pmSo, as I said in the previous post, a few weeks ago I ended every practice I was trying to do: spiritual, magical, whatever else. I've entered into a period of contemplation: what I'm doing, where I'm going, what isn't working and why.
It kind of began with a bit of bibliomancy someone did for me on JMG's blog here after I recounted the problems I've been having for a number of years, with my patron relationship having vanished and my attempts to reach out not going well, my mind spitting out one name after another in a maddening spiral that has been increasing in speed in recent times. It mentioned a covenant, which tied into ideas that I'd had myself more than once - that the specific manner in which I'm trying to interact with the gods, the probably ill advised oaths I had once taken and the patterns they set down, were a big part of the problem. Something about that confirmation settled it in my mind, and I waited until the appropriate day to approach my shrine, with the appropriate prayers and make a formal request to be released from these vows.
That bit may have been successful. I have a very hard time trusting any of my instincts, any impression right now; the strong feeling of presence I felt, the words clear in my head, I release you, is more than I have had in a long time.
I tried continuing my practice after that, but in a lot of ways it was the same as it ever been - names continuing to be spat at me at machine gun speed. Until it finally hit the limit of believablity. It took a while, but it finally went and used the one name I know it can't be, the one deity I know for a fact is not and never will be trying to get a hold of me. That was enough to shatter the illusion.
It wasn't pretty or fun when it happened. There was a minor explosion, and the following depression that has been part of the cycle never hit the dark depths of self loathing that just encourage me to get up and try again, it slid right into a sort of numb acceptance, an unhappy peace with the situation where I distracted myself with old video games until this whole knot of stress and misery went away.
An odd side effect of that. We have this cat, adopted her almost two years ago now, so while this whole cycle has been on going, and she's always been very ambivalent toward me; she watches me with some interest from a distance but usually wouldn't go near me. That's since changed. The room mate is still her favorite person, but she sleeps on me all the time,and I can pet her without her sliding away like I'm diseased. I don't know if that is directly related to this (no odd behavior from the other cat, but we have had him a lot longer and he's always loved me best) but the timing lines up and it makes me wonder if I didn't banish something ugly.
I've given up the idea of a spiritual life, for the present moment at least; I'm too broken right now for anything to get through, and the break clearly can not be fixed from that direction.This has been more of a relief than I might once have thought; the desperate search for some meaning I've been compelled to keep up the last several years has worn me out.
But why did this happen? I can point to the dysfunctional ridiculousness of NeoPaganism deep in its end stage, the dysfunctional groups I met and the bad ideas they imparted to me, people who let their personal issues become married to, and centralized into their religious lives until the gods were little more than unhealthy coping mechanisms. That's all true, but what in me was all that able to hook? What was continuing to enact this self defeating cycle long after the dysfunctional people were gone, long after I knew how bad they really were? That's what I've spent a good chunk of this time trying to figure out. And it's not the first time I've picked apart my personal problems, bad patterns of behavior I engage in and the childhood scars that probably cause them, though I don't think I ever got all the way down to the bottom of it.
My life has been most strongly marked by experiences of rejection and exclusion. I'm one of those people that just doesn't get on very well, I always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, rub everyone the wrong way, I've never been sure of why but it is what it is. I've accepted this, I've been living a hermit like existence for years now that I'm much more well suited to, better than attempting and failing to socialize. None of that made the treatment I received at home or school, from both peers and teachers and administrators (especially that latter) any easier to deal with at the time. I'd accepted that reality at the time, too; having gotten the message loud and clear that you're not welcome here, and being naturally inclined toward solitude I was ready to embrace my outsider status and wander off in my own direction. Oh no, yeah they don't like that. While I was clearly never going to be allowed in the inner circle I was required to want to be there, to live my life with my nose pressed against the glass just hoping someone would give me a chance. I assumed it was so I would be available to be used at will. My refusal to accept this role likely helped to bring about a lot of the trouble and abuse I experienced.
(Yeah, these were mostly upper class people with upper class values. I myself am not, I was from one of the dwindling number of working class families that just barely managed to hold on to their homes when all the rich people moved in and proceeded to drive everyone else out. No doubt this all played a huge part in the way things worked out: the managerial class would be hostile to any child that won't accept their direction and doesn't want their help or approval)
I know some of the problems that linger to this day and have helped contribute to this mess. Like the hard time I have knowing what I want. That's not an instinct I developed, I went the opposite direction, more useful to you when your life is a long series of conflicts and stand offs - if you don't want anything, there is nothing people can bribe you with; if you don't care about anything, there is nothing they can threaten you with. When the conflicts end, it's definitely less useful. I know this has left me with a mostly negative identity: I know what I am not, what I don't want to be, where I don't want to be. Once time passes and you're able to escape the conflict, when you can put distance between yourself and those things and places you don't want so that they're not pressing in on you anymore, well, what then do you have? Combine that with the former problem of not knowing what I want, and my life is one where I drift around in a way I am increasingly uncomfortable with.
That, I think, was one of the things that made that former patron relationship so meaningful, especially when it first came long ago now. It was something positive, something I did have, something I did want, a whispering promise of something that I could one day be. That alone inspired me then to move forward, to take risks, move out of a bad situation, go somewhere new, try new things, all on the basis of this promise of something that I could have. A lot of those moves ultimately didn't end up well for me, blew up in my face, but unfortunately for me I ran into a pop spiritual movement on its downward spiral, into dysfunctional people marrying fantasy with religion; it took time before I could find the trained occultists that actually know what they are talking about, systems of training that look like they will actually work. Still, when I realized that patron relationship had up and vanished, no wonder it made me panic, or try my best to find something similar to replace it.
A lot of this I already knew. This time around, I think I hit a deeper level, another wound and a deeper need that I never saw before, and that ropes in a lot of my other self defeating behaviors.
When my mother rejected me and pushed me into the role of family scapegoat, there were very particular things that came along with that: I was incompetent, I couldn't do anything right and everything I touched turned to shit. My sister was the hero of the family, the responsible one that had to take care of everything but I could not be relied on and would just fuck it up (this meant my sister had a lot of responsibility dumped on her shoulders that she didn't deal well with either). This situation was manufactured through nitpicking, goal post moving, refusing to teach me anything and then berating me later because I didn't know the things she never taught me. My relationship with my mother was very combative, and remained that way until I moved out, she started treating me very differently and things improved between us while my sister gradually took my place in the family hierarchy; I used to think she hated me but now I know it had nothing to do with me, this is just her own self defeating behaviors that she isn't able to see, that unfortunately affect the people around her more than my own do. There was a similar dynamic at school. where teachers decided I was stupid and started to treat me like I was (I never bought that, and was eventually able to prove as much, to my own satisfaction at least); there was the same moving of the goal posts game to ascertain they got what they wanted out of me and never had to give out the reward they had promised; any action that I took that someone else happened to notice was up for criticism and mockery (and I'm down playing this, reading my school record was scary, the degree to which I was monitored, the things people projected onto everything I said and did - I do kind of understand what happened with my mother, but this whole thing I will never get).
And so what did these things teach me? To be an outcast is to be ineffectual. It is to be a failure. That the keys of success, or not even success just basic skill and competency, lie in someone else's hands, and if you aren't able to impress them they won't give you anything (even if they are in a position where they are supposed to, like parent or teacher). I knew that my confidence is not great, but this is a different level from that, not just doubting your own ability but seeing skill wedded to group acceptance in such a way that, as long as you are outside the group, it is entirely off the table, not even an option for you.
So I live in a world that I see as hostile, that was known to be hostile in the past, without much of a social safety net, no one I could turn to for help (not that I would want it anyway, from past experiences of so called help), but at the exact same time I can't do anything to help myself either. I believe the technical term for this is screwed.
I think what lies at the bottom of a lot of what I do is a sense of helplessness, a fear of helplessness, a desire to escape that state but not certain how to do so since the power to do anything lies elsewhere.
And if the one positive thing I had is a connection with another being, someone whose acceptance could open doors of possibility otherwise locked to me, someone whose acceptance had opened doors and what a new experience that was, and then to have to go away? No wonder I've spent the last few years with my head slowly exploding. No wonder I kept repeating behavior patterns I knew weren't getting me anywhere, from this perspective what other option did I have?
And yes, I can also see how a spiritual life, or at least the way I unwittingly came to understand it thanks to those I fell in with, would really not be as helpful here, reinforcing this pattern rather than breaking it.
Taking up magical practice instead may be the best thing I could do. Take power back for myself, take control of my life, develop my own capabilities; deal with these long standing issues, transform myself into a state of health and balance.
Provided of course that I can find it in me to do it. And that's really the issue here, isn't it?
I know that I have an iron will buried under all this baggage, that when I can get it out I can easily accomplish things other people struggle with. If I can give myself a good motivation, if I can convince myself that it is something I can do on my own, that I need no one's help or approval, that I have access to every thing I would need and my success or failure rests with me alone. If I can get both of those things in place, I could do it as easily as I lost weight and got in shape a few years back (with lifestyle changes that I have maintained).
Is magical training something entirely on my own to do? I think because it got tied in with the quagmire my spiritual life turned into (and magic and religion are all but one and the same in so much NeoPaganism) I wasn't seeing it that way, that losing a patronage meant losing that opportunity. It is very likely I need to reexamine that assumption, and then see what I can do for myself here.
It kind of began with a bit of bibliomancy someone did for me on JMG's blog here after I recounted the problems I've been having for a number of years, with my patron relationship having vanished and my attempts to reach out not going well, my mind spitting out one name after another in a maddening spiral that has been increasing in speed in recent times. It mentioned a covenant, which tied into ideas that I'd had myself more than once - that the specific manner in which I'm trying to interact with the gods, the probably ill advised oaths I had once taken and the patterns they set down, were a big part of the problem. Something about that confirmation settled it in my mind, and I waited until the appropriate day to approach my shrine, with the appropriate prayers and make a formal request to be released from these vows.
That bit may have been successful. I have a very hard time trusting any of my instincts, any impression right now; the strong feeling of presence I felt, the words clear in my head, I release you, is more than I have had in a long time.
I tried continuing my practice after that, but in a lot of ways it was the same as it ever been - names continuing to be spat at me at machine gun speed. Until it finally hit the limit of believablity. It took a while, but it finally went and used the one name I know it can't be, the one deity I know for a fact is not and never will be trying to get a hold of me. That was enough to shatter the illusion.
It wasn't pretty or fun when it happened. There was a minor explosion, and the following depression that has been part of the cycle never hit the dark depths of self loathing that just encourage me to get up and try again, it slid right into a sort of numb acceptance, an unhappy peace with the situation where I distracted myself with old video games until this whole knot of stress and misery went away.
An odd side effect of that. We have this cat, adopted her almost two years ago now, so while this whole cycle has been on going, and she's always been very ambivalent toward me; she watches me with some interest from a distance but usually wouldn't go near me. That's since changed. The room mate is still her favorite person, but she sleeps on me all the time,and I can pet her without her sliding away like I'm diseased. I don't know if that is directly related to this (no odd behavior from the other cat, but we have had him a lot longer and he's always loved me best) but the timing lines up and it makes me wonder if I didn't banish something ugly.
I've given up the idea of a spiritual life, for the present moment at least; I'm too broken right now for anything to get through, and the break clearly can not be fixed from that direction.This has been more of a relief than I might once have thought; the desperate search for some meaning I've been compelled to keep up the last several years has worn me out.
But why did this happen? I can point to the dysfunctional ridiculousness of NeoPaganism deep in its end stage, the dysfunctional groups I met and the bad ideas they imparted to me, people who let their personal issues become married to, and centralized into their religious lives until the gods were little more than unhealthy coping mechanisms. That's all true, but what in me was all that able to hook? What was continuing to enact this self defeating cycle long after the dysfunctional people were gone, long after I knew how bad they really were? That's what I've spent a good chunk of this time trying to figure out. And it's not the first time I've picked apart my personal problems, bad patterns of behavior I engage in and the childhood scars that probably cause them, though I don't think I ever got all the way down to the bottom of it.
My life has been most strongly marked by experiences of rejection and exclusion. I'm one of those people that just doesn't get on very well, I always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, rub everyone the wrong way, I've never been sure of why but it is what it is. I've accepted this, I've been living a hermit like existence for years now that I'm much more well suited to, better than attempting and failing to socialize. None of that made the treatment I received at home or school, from both peers and teachers and administrators (especially that latter) any easier to deal with at the time. I'd accepted that reality at the time, too; having gotten the message loud and clear that you're not welcome here, and being naturally inclined toward solitude I was ready to embrace my outsider status and wander off in my own direction. Oh no, yeah they don't like that. While I was clearly never going to be allowed in the inner circle I was required to want to be there, to live my life with my nose pressed against the glass just hoping someone would give me a chance. I assumed it was so I would be available to be used at will. My refusal to accept this role likely helped to bring about a lot of the trouble and abuse I experienced.
(Yeah, these were mostly upper class people with upper class values. I myself am not, I was from one of the dwindling number of working class families that just barely managed to hold on to their homes when all the rich people moved in and proceeded to drive everyone else out. No doubt this all played a huge part in the way things worked out: the managerial class would be hostile to any child that won't accept their direction and doesn't want their help or approval)
I know some of the problems that linger to this day and have helped contribute to this mess. Like the hard time I have knowing what I want. That's not an instinct I developed, I went the opposite direction, more useful to you when your life is a long series of conflicts and stand offs - if you don't want anything, there is nothing people can bribe you with; if you don't care about anything, there is nothing they can threaten you with. When the conflicts end, it's definitely less useful. I know this has left me with a mostly negative identity: I know what I am not, what I don't want to be, where I don't want to be. Once time passes and you're able to escape the conflict, when you can put distance between yourself and those things and places you don't want so that they're not pressing in on you anymore, well, what then do you have? Combine that with the former problem of not knowing what I want, and my life is one where I drift around in a way I am increasingly uncomfortable with.
That, I think, was one of the things that made that former patron relationship so meaningful, especially when it first came long ago now. It was something positive, something I did have, something I did want, a whispering promise of something that I could one day be. That alone inspired me then to move forward, to take risks, move out of a bad situation, go somewhere new, try new things, all on the basis of this promise of something that I could have. A lot of those moves ultimately didn't end up well for me, blew up in my face, but unfortunately for me I ran into a pop spiritual movement on its downward spiral, into dysfunctional people marrying fantasy with religion; it took time before I could find the trained occultists that actually know what they are talking about, systems of training that look like they will actually work. Still, when I realized that patron relationship had up and vanished, no wonder it made me panic, or try my best to find something similar to replace it.
A lot of this I already knew. This time around, I think I hit a deeper level, another wound and a deeper need that I never saw before, and that ropes in a lot of my other self defeating behaviors.
When my mother rejected me and pushed me into the role of family scapegoat, there were very particular things that came along with that: I was incompetent, I couldn't do anything right and everything I touched turned to shit. My sister was the hero of the family, the responsible one that had to take care of everything but I could not be relied on and would just fuck it up (this meant my sister had a lot of responsibility dumped on her shoulders that she didn't deal well with either). This situation was manufactured through nitpicking, goal post moving, refusing to teach me anything and then berating me later because I didn't know the things she never taught me. My relationship with my mother was very combative, and remained that way until I moved out, she started treating me very differently and things improved between us while my sister gradually took my place in the family hierarchy; I used to think she hated me but now I know it had nothing to do with me, this is just her own self defeating behaviors that she isn't able to see, that unfortunately affect the people around her more than my own do. There was a similar dynamic at school. where teachers decided I was stupid and started to treat me like I was (I never bought that, and was eventually able to prove as much, to my own satisfaction at least); there was the same moving of the goal posts game to ascertain they got what they wanted out of me and never had to give out the reward they had promised; any action that I took that someone else happened to notice was up for criticism and mockery (and I'm down playing this, reading my school record was scary, the degree to which I was monitored, the things people projected onto everything I said and did - I do kind of understand what happened with my mother, but this whole thing I will never get).
And so what did these things teach me? To be an outcast is to be ineffectual. It is to be a failure. That the keys of success, or not even success just basic skill and competency, lie in someone else's hands, and if you aren't able to impress them they won't give you anything (even if they are in a position where they are supposed to, like parent or teacher). I knew that my confidence is not great, but this is a different level from that, not just doubting your own ability but seeing skill wedded to group acceptance in such a way that, as long as you are outside the group, it is entirely off the table, not even an option for you.
So I live in a world that I see as hostile, that was known to be hostile in the past, without much of a social safety net, no one I could turn to for help (not that I would want it anyway, from past experiences of so called help), but at the exact same time I can't do anything to help myself either. I believe the technical term for this is screwed.
I think what lies at the bottom of a lot of what I do is a sense of helplessness, a fear of helplessness, a desire to escape that state but not certain how to do so since the power to do anything lies elsewhere.
And if the one positive thing I had is a connection with another being, someone whose acceptance could open doors of possibility otherwise locked to me, someone whose acceptance had opened doors and what a new experience that was, and then to have to go away? No wonder I've spent the last few years with my head slowly exploding. No wonder I kept repeating behavior patterns I knew weren't getting me anywhere, from this perspective what other option did I have?
And yes, I can also see how a spiritual life, or at least the way I unwittingly came to understand it thanks to those I fell in with, would really not be as helpful here, reinforcing this pattern rather than breaking it.
Taking up magical practice instead may be the best thing I could do. Take power back for myself, take control of my life, develop my own capabilities; deal with these long standing issues, transform myself into a state of health and balance.
Provided of course that I can find it in me to do it. And that's really the issue here, isn't it?
I know that I have an iron will buried under all this baggage, that when I can get it out I can easily accomplish things other people struggle with. If I can give myself a good motivation, if I can convince myself that it is something I can do on my own, that I need no one's help or approval, that I have access to every thing I would need and my success or failure rests with me alone. If I can get both of those things in place, I could do it as easily as I lost weight and got in shape a few years back (with lifestyle changes that I have maintained).
Is magical training something entirely on my own to do? I think because it got tied in with the quagmire my spiritual life turned into (and magic and religion are all but one and the same in so much NeoPaganism) I wasn't seeing it that way, that losing a patronage meant losing that opportunity. It is very likely I need to reexamine that assumption, and then see what I can do for myself here.
