A Guiding Hand
Jul. 15th, 2020 12:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasidehermitIn moments of calm, I can sometimes hear this whisper in the back of my mind - that if I step back and look rationally at recent events in my life, there is evidence, good reason to think, that someone out there may still be watching over me.
My once divine relationship began when I had one of those intense personal encounters that I don't think most people ever experience, much less within the first tentative baby steps toward a religious practice; after a fairly short time of the most basic sort of worship, he arranged a few days of unexpected privacy in order to speak to me in a more up close and personal way. He told me I needed to move out; this was not news to me, but life at the time was, shall we say, less than good and the end result of a childhood of less than good was that I seemed to be stuck with no good options for escape (a fact that the adults around me pretty much agreed with, they wrote me off real early on). He told me if I agreed to his proposal that he would make the arrangements, all I had to do was say yes and go when he told me to go. In the end, I agreed; it only took two weeks - a string of improbable coincidences involving one of the few friends online I then had, and a room mate that decided for whatever unknown reason to abruptly leave and never return.
Moving on very short notice a thousand miles away, to a city you've never been to, to live with someone you've never met, would probably strike most people as too insane, and that's even without the additional baggage I was bringing to the table. I did it though, and somehow it all worked out.
That was my TSW moment. Or a close equivalent thereof. Whatever has happened in the years between, however difficult things got, I could never be a non believer.
A few years back I'd found myself stuck again living in a city that I loathed, that made me miserable even without all the other problems going on at the time. I ended up there as a result of decisions that I should not have made, though if I'm honest I have to admit I don't know what other decisions I could've made at the time; there was a recession, things were starting to look a little desperate, and hey, the financial side of things worked out, even if the locale and the local community left everything to be desired. I wanted to be more proactive about that, when I came out of the fog of depression group involvement had cast over me, I and my room mate wanted to get the hell out of there; we picked a new city and started making plans, saving money. Those plans still required a bit of luck, that luck came after a year; we might've been hoping for an option that allowed the room mate to keep her job, but at least when the universe closed that option down and forced our hand, it did allow the move to happen swiftly and smoothly.
Room mate lost her job a year ago, and after a few frustrating months (the second time we were reduced to my disability income only and yet somehow managed to get through it intact) she wound up with something that wasn't even as good as the last crappy job, but would still pay the bills and, most important turns out, was virus proof. Didn't know that was coming, but we both breathed a sigh of relief knowing she'd keep working when a lot of other people weren't.
And just now, she got an email from a recruiter about another virus proof job, one that pays a little better and has benefits. A couple days after she started making inquiries, her current employers announced that the government office they do work for is considering ending their contract and moving everything in house instead; they're trying to convince the government to change its mind by taking away employee benefits and slashing people's hours, which is hardly any good either. Just as that is starting to take off, she's already got a new job so we'll be avoiding that.
When I agreed to the original deal, I'd said that it needed to work out; I knew damn well if I left my mother's house the door would slam shut behind me, I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. He promised it would. When it comes to money, to having a roof over my head, those things have always been good, and when they haven't been I manage to skate by quicker and easier than I probably should. I can sometimes have good luck in those areas, areas that are firmly within his wheelhouse.
I also think about how I made the decision to create an account here and start trying to participate just in time to join in a conversation about the failures of ADF and potentially starting a new deity focused druid group. When that is one of the things I struggle with, finding a new foundation to build worship on, something different enough to banish old thought patterns. I don't know what will come of this, maybe just a small book of prayer and ritual structure with some actual decent advice, or maybe an online group I can get in on the ground floor of. Either one would be beneficial to me right now, and it was good to see I'm far from the only person wanting something like this, sick and tired of the LARPing quality of NeoPaganism.
There were other noteworthy synchronicities that coincided with my finding this space online, nothing I want to get into right now but more than enough to suggest that I am where I ought to be. It's been a while since I've been in a place where I got to watch these meaningful coincidences pile up like that; for real, that is, not groups of people seeing what they want to see, or telling other people what they should be seeing in order to get something they want.
This doesn't change what I already know, that this god is not directly accessible to me, for now and possibly forever. The reasons my original approach was such a mistake just keep on piling up; there is a whole lot of imbalance I need to correct. But, in those calm moments when I listen to this whispering voice and think on what it means, it is comforting to know that he may still be around, in the background, keeping to the terms of our initial agreement. Or if not him then arrangements were made.
Definitely far preferable to the Petty Jerk God my last brush against NeoPaganism brought me into contact with, the image that was presented to me as though I should adopt it. Maybe especially after that, it's encouraging to see the trust I showed when I made that leap of faith many years ago was not misplaced. That was the founding brick my whole faith in the gods was built on, and as long as it stands it can be rebuilt again.
My once divine relationship began when I had one of those intense personal encounters that I don't think most people ever experience, much less within the first tentative baby steps toward a religious practice; after a fairly short time of the most basic sort of worship, he arranged a few days of unexpected privacy in order to speak to me in a more up close and personal way. He told me I needed to move out; this was not news to me, but life at the time was, shall we say, less than good and the end result of a childhood of less than good was that I seemed to be stuck with no good options for escape (a fact that the adults around me pretty much agreed with, they wrote me off real early on). He told me if I agreed to his proposal that he would make the arrangements, all I had to do was say yes and go when he told me to go. In the end, I agreed; it only took two weeks - a string of improbable coincidences involving one of the few friends online I then had, and a room mate that decided for whatever unknown reason to abruptly leave and never return.
Moving on very short notice a thousand miles away, to a city you've never been to, to live with someone you've never met, would probably strike most people as too insane, and that's even without the additional baggage I was bringing to the table. I did it though, and somehow it all worked out.
That was my TSW moment. Or a close equivalent thereof. Whatever has happened in the years between, however difficult things got, I could never be a non believer.
A few years back I'd found myself stuck again living in a city that I loathed, that made me miserable even without all the other problems going on at the time. I ended up there as a result of decisions that I should not have made, though if I'm honest I have to admit I don't know what other decisions I could've made at the time; there was a recession, things were starting to look a little desperate, and hey, the financial side of things worked out, even if the locale and the local community left everything to be desired. I wanted to be more proactive about that, when I came out of the fog of depression group involvement had cast over me, I and my room mate wanted to get the hell out of there; we picked a new city and started making plans, saving money. Those plans still required a bit of luck, that luck came after a year; we might've been hoping for an option that allowed the room mate to keep her job, but at least when the universe closed that option down and forced our hand, it did allow the move to happen swiftly and smoothly.
Room mate lost her job a year ago, and after a few frustrating months (the second time we were reduced to my disability income only and yet somehow managed to get through it intact) she wound up with something that wasn't even as good as the last crappy job, but would still pay the bills and, most important turns out, was virus proof. Didn't know that was coming, but we both breathed a sigh of relief knowing she'd keep working when a lot of other people weren't.
And just now, she got an email from a recruiter about another virus proof job, one that pays a little better and has benefits. A couple days after she started making inquiries, her current employers announced that the government office they do work for is considering ending their contract and moving everything in house instead; they're trying to convince the government to change its mind by taking away employee benefits and slashing people's hours, which is hardly any good either. Just as that is starting to take off, she's already got a new job so we'll be avoiding that.
When I agreed to the original deal, I'd said that it needed to work out; I knew damn well if I left my mother's house the door would slam shut behind me, I wouldn't have anywhere else to go. He promised it would. When it comes to money, to having a roof over my head, those things have always been good, and when they haven't been I manage to skate by quicker and easier than I probably should. I can sometimes have good luck in those areas, areas that are firmly within his wheelhouse.
I also think about how I made the decision to create an account here and start trying to participate just in time to join in a conversation about the failures of ADF and potentially starting a new deity focused druid group. When that is one of the things I struggle with, finding a new foundation to build worship on, something different enough to banish old thought patterns. I don't know what will come of this, maybe just a small book of prayer and ritual structure with some actual decent advice, or maybe an online group I can get in on the ground floor of. Either one would be beneficial to me right now, and it was good to see I'm far from the only person wanting something like this, sick and tired of the LARPing quality of NeoPaganism.
There were other noteworthy synchronicities that coincided with my finding this space online, nothing I want to get into right now but more than enough to suggest that I am where I ought to be. It's been a while since I've been in a place where I got to watch these meaningful coincidences pile up like that; for real, that is, not groups of people seeing what they want to see, or telling other people what they should be seeing in order to get something they want.
This doesn't change what I already know, that this god is not directly accessible to me, for now and possibly forever. The reasons my original approach was such a mistake just keep on piling up; there is a whole lot of imbalance I need to correct. But, in those calm moments when I listen to this whispering voice and think on what it means, it is comforting to know that he may still be around, in the background, keeping to the terms of our initial agreement. Or if not him then arrangements were made.
Definitely far preferable to the Petty Jerk God my last brush against NeoPaganism brought me into contact with, the image that was presented to me as though I should adopt it. Maybe especially after that, it's encouraging to see the trust I showed when I made that leap of faith many years ago was not misplaced. That was the founding brick my whole faith in the gods was built on, and as long as it stands it can be rebuilt again.
