Knocked Out on the Threshold
Sep. 1st, 2020 04:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasidehermitOne bit of unequivocal good news: I've found the one habit I can build in the summer, that may even best be built in the summer. This is my worst season, I loathe the heat (something which has gotten more pronounced over the years; perhaps I'll be some weird reverse old person and retire to Alaska), melted into an uncomfortable puddle of uselessness only the most deeply ingrained habits can find any expression. A quick cold water scrub down first thing in the morning though, that's been going very well and the miserable weather hasn't once gotten in the way.
As for the rest, the Watcher at the Threshold is still kicking my ass. Though I do keep getting back up again. Not moving forward, which is beginning to drive me a little insane, but still getting up.
And I'm almost certain that's what this is, more and more that's what it looks like this is. Not doing anything wrong per se, just a hurdle you need to get past. Timing isn't great, since I'm still coming off several bad years and bad spiritual direction I'm still getting rid of, still not very confident I know where I'm going thanks to all that time when I really didn't - but the universe doesn't care about that, you just got to deal. It's one reason among many I keep getting tripped up.
The other part is I don't think it's enough to just do the Sphere of Protection and meditate every day, or pick up the Dolmen Arch (or some other magical training) and just start (I'm not doing that until I can at least do the SoP every day without fail for an appropriate length of time that I know it will continue). I have managed to beat back those negative feelings and keep going before, at first, but it doesn't last. There needs to be a spiritual component, I need someone to worship, something to connect to; it's too vital a piece to go forward without, it was the source of the worst spiritual damage I've experienced, and it's one piece that so far has just not wanted to fall into place.
I couldn't just pick something and go with it, after all that happened I wasn't sure what it was I wanted, much less where I would be welcome or not. I spend time in meditation trying to work through it, and my brain spits back a dizzying array of different names from different pantheons, jumping from one name to another like a little kid on a sugar high. This is not the way my brain usually acts, it was disconcerting and seemed to add to the impression that I was doing something wrong. None of those names seemed to work out much in practice, beyond a day or two, though I will admit I wasn't sure just what confirmation I'm looking for - does something really feel wrong or is it insecurity?
Last week, when the Watcher knocked me on my ass again, I had something of an insight, in the midst of an otherwise unpleasant moment. I realized that wild cacophony of deity names my brain was randomly spitting at me, was a little less random than appeared. There was one or two specific things they tended to have in common, to one degree or another, that I hadn't noticed until that point.
Is that what has been going on? Regardless of what pantheon you settle with, this, this particular thing they all have in common, is the energy you need in your life right now, so that is what will greet you at the door?
It led to another thought: is that what I did the first time around, too? Subconsciously summon someone whose gifts I most needed right then, and being a complete noob I didn't question it when he showed right up (and later, thanks to bad advice and no real training, misunderstood what was going on leading to endless problems down the road)? Is the reason he has faded into the background to do with my not needing those gifts as much anymore?
I don't know, and I admit the idea that's what I was doing makes me a little uncomfortable. It reminds me too much of the me centered NeoPaganism, "using" the gods for whatever you can get from them, that I never had much respect for. Though I know that was never really what I was doing, then or now, something in me winces at it still.
Though that did set my mind going down a very particular track, that I may not have reached otherwise.
Several weeks ago, before this insight, I began another minor project that I'd hoped would start to help. I decided I would learn more about Egyptian religion, gods, mythology. I picked Egypt because it was a pantheon I knew almost nothing about, and I never interacted much with anyone who worshipped those deities, so they are free of any past association. I'd started out Greek, but feel it may be best to get away from that for a while, if not permanently, all things considered; and I think I'm well done trying to make Celtic gods work, my odd habit of hanging around Druids and Druid organizations does not extend to an even remote attraction to Celtic mythology, and the gods themselves remain very ephemeral. So, Egypt: focus the mind, commit to reading a few books, learn what you can, see what happens, if nothing else you'll be on one and only one thing for a little while. And of course my brain almost immediately picked out an Egyptian name to add to the din, one that made absolutely no sense to me, but turned out to fit that pattern I've only recently noticed.
I leaned into it. Then leaned away in confusion, only to lean back in harder after my insight. The thoughts have expanded to include at least two other deities from the same pantheon. I said I didn't know then what I was waiting for, but perhaps I'm starting to get some small idea? A mythological element? A story I could love? One that inspires, points a way forward, that I could use like a tool to get out of my mess?
It's been an interesting last week. Where I've started thinking about the problem from a different angle, and from this new vantage point a potential solution occurred to me, one I have not tried before. I don't want to say too much ahead of time, I want to try it out and see how it works. Fill my mind with this notion, soak in that imagery, work on that particular connection, whatever it takes, and when next the Watcher on the Threshold appears, we'll see if it goes any differently.
Shouldn't take too long. It never does.
As for the rest, the Watcher at the Threshold is still kicking my ass. Though I do keep getting back up again. Not moving forward, which is beginning to drive me a little insane, but still getting up.
And I'm almost certain that's what this is, more and more that's what it looks like this is. Not doing anything wrong per se, just a hurdle you need to get past. Timing isn't great, since I'm still coming off several bad years and bad spiritual direction I'm still getting rid of, still not very confident I know where I'm going thanks to all that time when I really didn't - but the universe doesn't care about that, you just got to deal. It's one reason among many I keep getting tripped up.
The other part is I don't think it's enough to just do the Sphere of Protection and meditate every day, or pick up the Dolmen Arch (or some other magical training) and just start (I'm not doing that until I can at least do the SoP every day without fail for an appropriate length of time that I know it will continue). I have managed to beat back those negative feelings and keep going before, at first, but it doesn't last. There needs to be a spiritual component, I need someone to worship, something to connect to; it's too vital a piece to go forward without, it was the source of the worst spiritual damage I've experienced, and it's one piece that so far has just not wanted to fall into place.
I couldn't just pick something and go with it, after all that happened I wasn't sure what it was I wanted, much less where I would be welcome or not. I spend time in meditation trying to work through it, and my brain spits back a dizzying array of different names from different pantheons, jumping from one name to another like a little kid on a sugar high. This is not the way my brain usually acts, it was disconcerting and seemed to add to the impression that I was doing something wrong. None of those names seemed to work out much in practice, beyond a day or two, though I will admit I wasn't sure just what confirmation I'm looking for - does something really feel wrong or is it insecurity?
Last week, when the Watcher knocked me on my ass again, I had something of an insight, in the midst of an otherwise unpleasant moment. I realized that wild cacophony of deity names my brain was randomly spitting at me, was a little less random than appeared. There was one or two specific things they tended to have in common, to one degree or another, that I hadn't noticed until that point.
Is that what has been going on? Regardless of what pantheon you settle with, this, this particular thing they all have in common, is the energy you need in your life right now, so that is what will greet you at the door?
It led to another thought: is that what I did the first time around, too? Subconsciously summon someone whose gifts I most needed right then, and being a complete noob I didn't question it when he showed right up (and later, thanks to bad advice and no real training, misunderstood what was going on leading to endless problems down the road)? Is the reason he has faded into the background to do with my not needing those gifts as much anymore?
I don't know, and I admit the idea that's what I was doing makes me a little uncomfortable. It reminds me too much of the me centered NeoPaganism, "using" the gods for whatever you can get from them, that I never had much respect for. Though I know that was never really what I was doing, then or now, something in me winces at it still.
Though that did set my mind going down a very particular track, that I may not have reached otherwise.
Several weeks ago, before this insight, I began another minor project that I'd hoped would start to help. I decided I would learn more about Egyptian religion, gods, mythology. I picked Egypt because it was a pantheon I knew almost nothing about, and I never interacted much with anyone who worshipped those deities, so they are free of any past association. I'd started out Greek, but feel it may be best to get away from that for a while, if not permanently, all things considered; and I think I'm well done trying to make Celtic gods work, my odd habit of hanging around Druids and Druid organizations does not extend to an even remote attraction to Celtic mythology, and the gods themselves remain very ephemeral. So, Egypt: focus the mind, commit to reading a few books, learn what you can, see what happens, if nothing else you'll be on one and only one thing for a little while. And of course my brain almost immediately picked out an Egyptian name to add to the din, one that made absolutely no sense to me, but turned out to fit that pattern I've only recently noticed.
I leaned into it. Then leaned away in confusion, only to lean back in harder after my insight. The thoughts have expanded to include at least two other deities from the same pantheon. I said I didn't know then what I was waiting for, but perhaps I'm starting to get some small idea? A mythological element? A story I could love? One that inspires, points a way forward, that I could use like a tool to get out of my mess?
It's been an interesting last week. Where I've started thinking about the problem from a different angle, and from this new vantage point a potential solution occurred to me, one I have not tried before. I don't want to say too much ahead of time, I want to try it out and see how it works. Fill my mind with this notion, soak in that imagery, work on that particular connection, whatever it takes, and when next the Watcher on the Threshold appears, we'll see if it goes any differently.
Shouldn't take too long. It never does.
