Knocked Out on the Threshold

One bit of unequivocal good news: I've found the one habit I can build in the summer, that may even best be built in the summer. This is my worst season, I loathe the heat (something which has gotten more pronounced over the years; perhaps I'll be some weird reverse old person and retire to Alaska), melted into an uncomfortable puddle of uselessness only the most deeply ingrained habits can find any expression. A quick cold water scrub down first thing in the morning though, that's been going very well and the miserable weather hasn't once gotten in the way.

As for the rest, the Watcher at the Threshold is still kicking my ass. Though I do keep getting back up again. Not moving forward, which is beginning to drive me a little insane, but still getting up.

And I'm almost certain that's what this is, more and more that's what it looks like this is. Not doing anything wrong per se, just a hurdle you need to get past. Timing isn't great, since I'm still coming off several bad years and bad spiritual direction I'm still getting rid of, still not very confident I know where I'm going thanks to all that time when I really didn't - but the universe doesn't care about that, you just got to deal. It's one reason among many I keep getting tripped up.

The other part is I don't think it's enough to just do the Sphere of Protection and meditate every day, or pick up the Dolmen Arch (or some other magical training) and just start (I'm not doing that until I can at least do the SoP every day without fail for an appropriate length of time that I know it will continue). I have managed to beat back those negative feelings and keep going before, at first, but it doesn't last. There needs to be a spiritual component, I need someone to worship, something to connect to; it's too vital a piece to go forward without, it was the source of the worst spiritual damage I've experienced, and it's one piece that so far has just not wanted to fall into place.

I couldn't just pick something and go with it, after all that happened I wasn't sure what it was I wanted, much less where I would be welcome or not. I spend time in meditation trying to work through it, and my brain spits back a dizzying array of different names from different pantheons, jumping from one name to another like a little kid on a sugar high. This is not the way my brain usually acts, it was disconcerting and seemed to add to the impression that I was doing something wrong. None of those names seemed to work out much in practice, beyond a day or two, though I will admit I wasn't sure just what confirmation I'm looking for - does something really feel wrong or is it insecurity?

Last week, when the Watcher knocked me on my ass again, I had something of an insight, in the midst of an otherwise unpleasant moment. I realized that wild cacophony of deity names my brain was randomly spitting at me, was a little less random than appeared. There was one or two specific things they tended to have in common, to one degree or another, that I hadn't noticed until that point.

Is that what has been going on? Regardless of what pantheon you settle with, this, this particular thing they all have in common, is the energy you need in your life right now, so that is what will greet you at the door?

It led to another thought: is that what I did the first time around, too? Subconsciously summon someone whose gifts I most needed right then, and being a complete noob I didn't question it when he showed right up (and later, thanks to bad advice and no real training, misunderstood what was going on leading to endless problems down the road)? Is the reason he has faded into the background to do with my not needing those gifts as much anymore?

I don't know, and I admit the idea that's what I was doing makes me a little uncomfortable. It reminds me too much of the me centered NeoPaganism, "using" the gods for whatever you can get from them, that I never had much respect for. Though I know that was never really what I was doing, then or now, something in me winces at it still.

Though that did set my mind going down a very particular track, that I may not have reached otherwise.

Several weeks ago, before this insight, I began another minor project that I'd hoped would start to help. I decided I would learn more about Egyptian religion, gods, mythology. I picked Egypt because it was a pantheon I knew almost nothing about, and I never interacted much with anyone who worshipped those deities, so they are free of any past association. I'd started out Greek, but feel it may be best to get away from that for a while, if not permanently, all things considered; and I think I'm well done trying to make Celtic gods work, my odd habit of hanging around Druids and Druid organizations does not extend to an even remote attraction to Celtic mythology, and the gods themselves remain very ephemeral. So, Egypt: focus the mind, commit to reading a few books, learn what you can, see what happens, if nothing else you'll be on one and only one thing for a little while. And of course my brain almost immediately picked out an Egyptian name to add to the din, one that made absolutely no sense to me, but turned out to fit that pattern I've only recently noticed.

I leaned into it. Then leaned away in confusion, only to lean back in harder after my insight. The thoughts have expanded to include at least two other deities from the same pantheon. I said I didn't know then what I was waiting for, but perhaps I'm starting to get some small idea? A mythological element? A story I could love? One that inspires, points a way forward, that I could use like a tool to get out of my mess?

It's been an interesting last week. Where I've started thinking about the problem from a different angle, and from this new vantage point a potential solution occurred to me, one I have not tried before. I don't want to say too much ahead of time, I want to try it out and see how it works. Fill my mind with this notion, soak in that imagery, work on that particular connection, whatever it takes, and when next the Watcher on the Threshold appears, we'll see if it goes any differently.

Shouldn't take too long. It never does.

Current Mood: determined

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From:

neptunesdolphins

I decided to reply here than at JMG's Magic Monday. Thank you for your kind words. As for my sanity, I have been able to keep a bemused distance from all that Patheos Pagan stuff. Also, having a deep and regular devotional practice helps. And squirrels....

I have used my blog - Neptune's Dolphins as a way to explore what is vexing me. I guess it helps to write out things.

I am glad you brought up John Beckett. I read his latest book and felt strangely uneasy about it. After delving deeper into his writings, I believe I uncovered a part of why - that Four Pillars of NeoPaganism stuff that was developed by him and Halstead. The pillars all begin with the self looking for divinity in various places. Beckett stresses self-sovereignty in his relations with the Gods and that carries over into his political posts.

He is afraid of what will happen to him personally. The others at Patheos Pagan are the same way. Their self-sovereignty comes first, and everything else last.

With that self at the center and with the person living outside of the ecosystem of the cosmos, then they panic at things that threaten them. Lacking emotional resilency is the key here.

Neptune's Dolphins

From:

seasidehermit

Halstead, that's one of the leaders of the so called "pagan" atheists, right? That whole clown show happened during my internet hiatus so I missed the dubious pleasure of suffering through that idiotic debate, but I've read enough write ups about it to have some idea what happened.

Glad to see some other commentary on Beckett, the guy's got such a cult of personality built around and I have to admit, I do not get it (the person that suggested I read those links wasn't sending me there to point and laugh, they actually thought I'd find it helpful somehow). I read the books too on my scribd account; my initial thought was, far from being "deep" it was yet another iteration of the exact same Paganism 101 book that is the only thing the community has been able to produce for something like thirty years.

My room mate and I, when reading the books and his blog, made jokes about drinking games, take a shot every time Beckett says sovereignty, how quickly would you die? But I know what you're talking about, I noted it myself. Though I'd put it the other way around: it is a political view, a class view, that creeps over into the religious view (as I say in my post above I have never been able to get into Celtic mythology, so I could well be wrong, but I don't think that's what the Irish concept of sovereignty was about, nor is it a good modern reinterpretation for people living in a different country with a very different social system; it seems to be more about right relationships, not personal autonomy). Note that when explanations are needed, for spiritual concepts or whatever else, what he uses to get his point across is rooted in social justice intersectionality - their concepts, their language, their whole world view. He's a true believer.

Like JMG has pointed out, part of that world view is that these beliefs are what make you one of the good people, it makes you smart and moral and just; from that, it makes sense that people in that world view would then set their deities orbiting around it as well (the religious right did the same thing, and the current left is the religious right). I suppose I get it a little, as much as someone never included among the good people ever could (though the arrogance of assuming you know what cosmic justice looks like and it looks like your own political platform is more than I can wrap my head around). But, when your political/class world view is coming apart, if it's too close to the core of who you are, if everything serves that and has no real strength outside of that, then nothing else will survive. It's made a lot of people's true colors, true priorities, come out in the last few years. It's been disappointing to see.

I'll give credit where credit is due. While I suspect the rest of the wingnuts I've seen over on Patheos Pagan will be some of the very first and loudest flouncing out the door when the exodus begins, I'm not sure about Beckett. He might go, but he also might find a way to reconcile that loss and stay with whatever is left. There is a thread of sincerity there, in among everything that reminds me of why I stay away from NeoPaganism these days. It'll be interesting to see what happens there.

Thanks for the reply. It's nice hearing from you again. :)

From:

neptunesdolphins

Halstead and Rhyd Widermuth both used the Pagan scene for their own purposes. Both were narcissists who want to lead the unwashed in their particular directions. Both had nervous breakdowns when Trump was elected and ignored by the rest of the Pagans. They are still around at the corners with their followers but neither are a force anymore. They both have become more political as the years go on, and more entrenched in their little groups.

As for Beckett, I have pondered his writings in my future blogging since it is a clue to the whole Neopagan scene. One of three things could be occurring - Jason Mankey, the editor at Patheos, directs what is written. He is a light-weight who enjoys the limelight writing at Witches and Pagans. So Beckett could be hampered by Mankey's ideas. Two, Beckett is reluctant to discuss his spiritual experiences since they are very personal and not subject to mass consumption. Three, Beckett and Mankey are frightened of the spiritual and sacred. They stand at the edge, but refuse to jump. They want to control the sacred and make it safe.

What comes across is that Beckett has gone further than the rest of them, who just skate on the surface. So his personality cult comes from that they think he is profound in what he writes. I found his advanced book to be Pagan 102, and not 201. It did lack structure as to why these practices are done. Again the self is the center of the book. I also believe that Beckett himself is still scarred from his fundamentalist upbringing.

From:

seasidehermit

Thing is, I don't think his writing is very profound, I think it's bland, sticks way too close to the universally applicable surface level. That's not all his fault, it's what internet writing has become and he follows those guidelines to the letter. Assume your audience has the attention span of a goldfish and the patience of a five year old; boiled everything down to simplistic, sanitized, bite sized chunks and line them up in a row; use small words, short sentences and tiny paragraphs. Tell people what to think but never make a case for why they should think it, that would take time (and more words, maybe even bigger words), time your audience could better spend clicking over to something else and they won't be able to handle that. Again, this isn't directed at him, these are broader trends that both annoy and concern me, and limit where I spend my online time these days. I don't like feeling talked down to and preached at, I get both from that blog.

But there is some hint there below the surface that he sticks carefully to, that he could have something more to say. That's what attracted me to his blog initially, though it faded fast, and what had me hanging around a little longer than I otherwise would have, looking for that hint of promise I thought I saw, waiting to see if it would be eclipsed by the same miasma that's grabbed everyone else. I do think he's gone further than many others, I think there is a lot he does get, which does put at least half a head above the rest of them.

They want to control the sacred and make it safe.

That right there. I think you're absolutely right about that.

From:

neptunesdolphins

Miasma is a good way of putting it. Each seems to be caught in the mire of rage at the system and how the year is going.

From:

seasidehermit

Just to add. My recent time spent reading occult philosophy, JMG's, Dion Fortune and the like, have really helped to highlight just how philosophically weak NeoPaganism is. Orthopraxic to a fault, creating elaborate rituals and spending very little time on an underlying world view to tie it all together, lest someone should feel not included. That is likely a big part of the problem of why NeoPaganism became infected with politics. That philosophical void wasn't going to stand, whatever little value you say you place on beliefs, it was going to be filled with something one way or the other.

Even when I first showed up, in the early 2000s, I was annoyed by how often I'd hear fuck the mainstream, fuck Christianity, fuck "the patriarchy." Half the time it seemed the only reason anyone believed or did anything was because someone out there was doing the opposite. Even the nature worship so often was expressed solely as political activism. In many ways, nothing's changed, it's just gotten more extreme.

From:

neptunesdolphins

The Neopagan movement is based on resistance to the mainstream culture. It is counter-cultural, and therefore political with spirituality mixed in. Social justice provides a religion for the spiritual not religious crowd which includes the Neopagans. There is orthropraxacy in the call-outs and the self-guilt rituals. There is community and spiritual uplift in resisting the mainstream biases. There is a feeling of purpose in correcting the wrongs of the world. That is the philosophical basis of Neopaganism - revolt against society.

I am curious as to where you haunted pagan spaces that I was in?

From:

seasidehermit

Always very true. I suppose, for people like myself who couldn't care less about the political crap and was looking for deity relationships, spiritual development, etc., it was enough in the background to be easier to ignore while searching for the things you were actually after. Of course, there was no religious direction, spiritual development, on offer, as I realized a bit too late.

It was on Livejournal. I don't remember anymore just where I got you on my friends list (I know we were both in ADF but I don't know if it was at the same time), probably just had enough people in common, that was the way it used to work. And I met you in person once, at a Pagan Pride event back when I still lived in Baltimore; I bought something from you that I still have, which is why I remember this. This would've been late 2000s, when I was most active in anything like the general community.

From:

neptunesdolphins

Oh. Gee, that nice to know. I am still in D.C. Baltimore has been taken over by Michael Hughes and his diddling. D.C. has the same problems with the piddletwits that I discuss.

I am on Wordpress, blogging away.

Spiritual direction is a loaded term since it conjures up (pun intended) scary Christianity. I was lucky - I am reader by nature so I read the stuff that others said not to read - Galina Krasskova, Raven Kaldera, PSVL, all of them and Christian texts as well to gather how people could relate to Gods.

But it is sorely needed since many of us have no order or structure and desire it.

I had a traumatic brain injury about a year after that Pagan Pride, so I withdrew from the community for about 10 years. What I missed was people trying to take over from others and making a mess of things.

From:

neptunesdolphins

This is direct reply to this posting.

Gods recruit people into Polytheism. There are a few that do it more than most - Odin, Hekate, Sekmet, and the Morrigan. They generally drop the person once they are settled. Then other Gods will come in when the person is ready. That is what happened to me - I started Norse, and went Roman and Babylonian. Roman and Babylonian Gods prefer people who are more willing to study the religion and go deeper. Celtic Gods seem to be the group of choice for Neopagans since they are fluid and exciting.

I would study the myths and religious practices, as well as the whole pantheon. Pay attention to twinges. The God or Gods will let you know what they want. I would go deep and see where it takes you.

Just asking - who is the Watcher on the Threshold?

From:

seasidehermit

I always thought the attraction to Celtic gods had more to do with them being western Europe's scrappy underdog, and a way people can find a connection to an oppressed group.

But this is good, solid, practical advice, of the sort I wish I had gotten back when I needed to hear it, instead of having things pumped up into something it maybe never was.

Politics isn't the only negative world view rushing to fill the philosophical void in NeoPaganism, there's also fantasy fiction. They get their cues from books and movies, the way gods act and interact with people, and they think that's the way things really work: a grand drama, filled with adventure and romance, starring you! They spend their time acting out modern fantasy fiction tropes, like the Chosen One; not consciously, no, but it's there. The people I knew back then, at first glance they seemed devoted to the gods, but deep down it was more about an image of themselves as someone special and powerful, because in real life they were neither of those things. I didn't see that right away, partly because I was too new and didn't trust my own instincts enough, partly because it was mild at first, not until they sealed themselves in online echo chambers that their claims became more unhinged, it was painfully obvious they were deluding themselves. Not that NeoPaganism encourages such hard questions, just the opposite it wants you to have your mind so open your brains fall right out, and I see that rule is in effect more than ever.

If you're someone who already has psychological problems, as I certainly do, and you find yourself surrounded by people who are, knowingly or not, using religion as an excuse to play act a power fantasy because TV and video games are where you're getting your occult philosophy, those psychological problems will never be dealt with; worse, the unstable people may end up wedding the psychological problems up with your religious practice, in a way that both keeps you in exactly the place you are and poisons what you did have, and you won't know what happened until you trip over your own feet and wonder why. This, unfortunately, is where I'm coming from right now.

It leaves me rather bitter at NeoPaganism. I could be fourteen years further down my path than I am; instead I wasted the first few years looking for instruction that didn't exist, and then having to deal with all the bad instruction I eventually did get (and I know I'm not done with that yet). None of that had to happen, and really shouldn't have happened if that tradition had it more together. It's probably a borderline miracle I managed to shake myself out of that spell; most of the people I knew became raving social justice warriors as early as 2014, but I didn't follow them, I bailed out, took a long break, figured out how to start thinking clearly again, paid attention to what omens I was getting and this time found people who did know what they were talking about.

Sorry. So many replies, I can be long winded and give more information than is maybe wanted. All of this to say that dealing with gods again is fraught with many issues. Not just paying attention to twinges, but making sure I know what that twinge is and where it came from, since I've made (cheered on) wrong moves before. It also means learning not to be so hesitant and doubtful that I end up never getting anywhere again.

The Watcher at the Threshold is something I picked up from various magic mondays. Probably explaining badly, but it's the thing that tries to turn you off the path (however it manifests), a challenge you need to recognize and actively meet before you can cross over onto a new level.

From:

neptunesdolphins

What you can do is not see it as wasted years as Edison saw failure of lightbulb filaments. He said what one didn't work, so I know not to keep trying to use it. SO I go on to something else and try that.

What can you glean from the wreckage? An idea of what you want in a religion? What to avoid when seeking? How to sniff out balarney when it hits you in the face?

You are further along since you have some idea of what doesn't work for you.

How I deal with messages from Gods or whatever is through reading. I discovered that what messages or what God wanted to reach me did it through books. I called it God directed reading. Recently I was reading "The Mirror and The Light" about Thomas Cromwell and his final days. The discuss at JMG's blog about shadows and mirrors tipped me off that I was spending too much time railing about the local piddletwits. I was the light to their mirror. Pay attention to coincidences.

Meditate on things. Test them out. Find how you hear Gods.

From:

seasidehermit

Not bad advice. Regret is often useless, it happened and there is no taking it back. NeoPaganism's days are clearly numbered, so little need for concern about this pattern repeating itself too many more times. No doubt there is some important lesson I needed to learn in all of this, but right now I don't know what it is. Perhaps with yet more distance, it will come to light.

Speaking of coincidences, JMG had more to say on the matter, which you'll no doubt see, and pointed out something that I missed, and that I can unfortunately relate to. Sometimes I don't think this is just a matter of simply learning to listen to the gods again, sometimes I think something is wrong, or that something more needs to be done and I don't know what. I do hope I didn't get sucked into the idiocy spiral that is killing Paganism, that something didn't stick with me that is still screwing things up, so I get the spiritual loss even if I'm spared the TDS.

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